19 July 2017
On To Something COVER

A Love Language I Do Not Speak

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It takes time for me to respond to an emotional outburst.
I await the clarity and calm needed to make an exchange worthwhile.
After violating my privacy, the results of reading a draft
of my journal-album, MOMENTOS,
I was sent this email from a woman who has:

– unsuccessfully attempted to cyber-bully me
– successfully cyber bullied others
– messaged dozens of my SM contacts to “expose me” and share her side
– admitted her paranoia about what I was/wasn’t saying
– admitted her jealousy and disappointment created a blurred reality
– stated on SM that I was sought by the CIA & FBI
apologized for an act of unspeakable truth
– painted a picture to people for the purpose of shame/misdirection
– made inferences to unrepeatable sex-related acts about her daughter
– scoured my SM accounts so much, her daughter requested I block her
– played with the good intentions of women who join her rage without the facts
– refused to come to terms and tell the entire story
– admitted all of this to me, on record, and continues spiral out of control
– written that she does not understand how I could love her thru all of this

I have no angst or regret.
Life is a unique and,
ironically enough a,
Shared experience.

And while this sip of life
has a bitter taste,
Life, in-and-of-itself,
is oh so pleasant
And sweet. And in medicine,
The bitter things
Are the most cleansing.

Everything will be as it should.
Whether you like it or not.

This was the email I received from her today:
•names were modified to protect identities•

“I am a bitch,I said things out of desperation and fear.
I understood why u wanted to swim out, u r not the kind
of guy who would do that because of a heartbreak! and
I hate myself for giving u the impression tjat u cant open
up to me or be weak around me…cause its not true!
i wanna be there for u-
shoulders are strong and my heart is big!
I see u ,always did! you and your pain, thats why I couldnt
believe u were that man I claimed u would be.
I tried to hate u and It didnt work cause my love for u is
pure and real, thats why I came here !
after all these years of not knowing whAt has happened
between us , not talking to each other- I came and u told
me the shocking truth.
It s not easy to digest in this short period of time after such
a long period of time full of pain,doubts, questions and
depression.I felt disgust towards myself -how could this
happen-why was i so driven  and didnt stop? How could
u still love me?how could u be close to me?
It ate me almost up, nd speaking it out loud was necessary
for my-my way of therapy since I cant talk aboit it to no one!
I would have done everything to make it happen to talk to u
face to face, I would have gone everywhere on this planet to
meet u one more time and to get to know the truth about us
breaking apart.
to hear and to read about u and another woman is painful and
despite all I understand that everything happened for a reason.
momentos showed me how much u been into her, and when
I read how my insecurities led me to become an internet bully –
I became angry and sad! The circumstances when u left been
more complicated and things were not so easy – I needed u as
a friend and I felt that u let me down.thats why I became this
bully and ur my target. the picture u painted of me is very black
and white.
I didnt see myself with someone else ,I couldnt be with
someone else , cause I saw me with u growing old and grey together
and I still feel the same about u. I am going to care for u all my
life,in every way!
I can live without getting touched or kissed by u, not talking to
u is killing me-especially these days.
the past has almost killed me emotionally,and if I hear u say that I
dont listen to u it makes me wanna scream- cause its not true!
i listen a d reflect-maybe not directly in the moment -but i do! and
some thing u say hurt and thats why they stick in my head-and
believe me I totally get the context !
u know, sometimes I think that u dont listen or understand. yes I
had multiple abortions and ur disgust for them was clear , u through
it back to me like i did with some things u said!believe me, its nothing
i m proud of-the second time, I was ready to keep it, it was from the
same guy I ve been with!
I was 20 and i believed I could do it, even without him!I was selfish
cause my bad conscious and my desire to become a mother been
strong! Then I lost the baby in the 9. week! my 2. abortion was not
what I wanted!!I sacrificed the baby the first time, for u mostly.
I didnt want to stop u from something, I didnt want to be a stepping
stone for u.I let u go to create , to fallow  and finish ur mission.
I didnt want to be selfish though I wanted a baby ! and u r telling
me u have the feeling I want u for myself?
Back then , I told u I dont wanna do that alone, in ****** It would have
been so much easier to raise another child without u , than it is here.
I was aware of it- and still I didnt want to pressure u with that baby to
kinda stay or relocate.I wanted to share this experience  ,no its a
miracle with u together when ever the time is ready for this.so I let u
go in peace cause I loved u and I believed in our love so hard!
Today , being pregnant and scared that I might lost it, because of kremps
and blood -the fact that  u r not by my side  nor asking what happened-
its painful and giving me flashbacks!
u r creating  I understand, u r with ****** ! and u dont wanna talk or see me!
but I need you right now, more than she needs u!!!!
I have an appointment on wednesday at 2pm in**** ****!
could u accompany me?
I am scared of the ultraschall, sunday they didnt really get was
I was sayin-they did some blood tests only!
do u think u can be a friend for me too?
we dont need to talk, just be next to me in case I ll get bad news.
I have no energy for arguments or bad energy these days,
I am falling and there is nobody to catch me!
I apologize truly for all the mean things I said to u,
and ur hate for me is reasonable!
i love u”