It takes time for me to respond to an emotional outburst.
I await the clarity and calm needed to make an exchange worthwhile.
After violating my privacy, the results of reading a draft
of my journal-album, MOMENTOS,
I was sent this email from a woman who has:
– unsuccessfully attempted to cyber-bully me
– successfully cyber bullied others
– messaged dozens of my SM contacts to “expose me” and share her side
– admitted her paranoia about what I was/wasn’t saying
– admitted her jealousy and disappointment created a blurred reality
– stated on SM that I was sought by the CIA & FBI
– apologized for an act of unspeakable truth
– painted a picture to people for the purpose of shame/misdirection
– made inferences to unrepeatable sex-related acts about her daughter
– scoured my SM accounts so much, her daughter requested I block her
– played with the good intentions of women who join her rage without the facts
– refused to come to terms and tell the entire story
– admitted all of this to me, on record, and continues spiral out of control
– written that she does not understand how I could love her thru all of this
I have no angst or regret.
Life is a unique and,
ironically enough a,
And while this sip of life
has a bitter taste,
is oh so pleasant
And sweet. And in medicine,
The bitter things
Are the most cleansing.
Everything will be as it should.
Whether you like it or not.
This was the email I received from her today:
•names were modified to protect identities•
“I am a bitch,I said things out of desperation and fear.
I understood why u wanted to swim out, u r not the kind
of guy who would do that because of a heartbreak! and
I hate myself for giving u the impression tjat u cant open
up to me or be weak around me…cause its not true!
i wanna be there for u-
shoulders are strong and my heart is big!
I see u ,always did! you and your pain, thats why I couldnt
believe u were that man I claimed u would be.
I tried to hate u and It didnt work cause my love for u is
pure and real, thats why I came here !
after all these years of not knowing whAt has happened
between us , not talking to each other- I came and u told
me the shocking truth.
It s not easy to digest in this short period of time after such
a long period of time full of pain,doubts, questions and
depression.I felt disgust towards myself -how could this
happen-why was i so driven and didnt stop? How could
u still love me?how could u be close to me?
It ate me almost up, nd speaking it out loud was necessary
for my-my way of therapy since I cant talk aboit it to no one!
I would have done everything to make it happen to talk to u
face to face, I would have gone everywhere on this planet to
meet u one more time and to get to know the truth about us
to hear and to read about u and another woman is painful and
despite all I understand that everything happened for a reason.
momentos showed me how much u been into her, and when
I read how my insecurities led me to become an internet bully –
I became angry and sad! The circumstances when u left been
more complicated and things were not so easy – I needed u as
a friend and I felt that u let me down.thats why I became this
bully and ur my target. the picture u painted of me is very black
I didnt see myself with someone else ,I couldnt be with
someone else , cause I saw me with u growing old and grey together
and I still feel the same about u. I am going to care for u all my
life,in every way!
I can live without getting touched or kissed by u, not talking to
u is killing me-especially these days.
the past has almost killed me emotionally,and if I hear u say that I
dont listen to u it makes me wanna scream- cause its not true!
i listen a d reflect-maybe not directly in the moment -but i do! and
some thing u say hurt and thats why they stick in my head-and
believe me I totally get the context !
u know, sometimes I think that u dont listen or understand. yes I
had multiple abortions and ur disgust for them was clear , u through
it back to me like i did with some things u said!believe me, its nothing
i m proud of-the second time, I was ready to keep it, it was from the
same guy I ve been with!
I was 20 and i believed I could do it, even without him!I was selfish
cause my bad conscious and my desire to become a mother been
strong! Then I lost the baby in the 9. week! my 2. abortion was not
what I wanted!!I sacrificed the baby the first time, for u mostly.
I didnt want to stop u from something, I didnt want to be a stepping
stone for u.I let u go to create , to fallow and finish ur mission.
I didnt want to be selfish though I wanted a baby ! and u r telling
me u have the feeling I want u for myself?
Back then , I told u I dont wanna do that alone, in ****** It would have
been so much easier to raise another child without u , than it is here.
I was aware of it- and still I didnt want to pressure u with that baby to
kinda stay or relocate.I wanted to share this experience ,no its a
miracle with u together when ever the time is ready for this.so I let u
go in peace cause I loved u and I believed in our love so hard!
Today , being pregnant and scared that I might lost it, because of kremps
and blood -the fact that u r not by my side nor asking what happened-
its painful and giving me flashbacks!
u r creating I understand, u r with ****** ! and u dont wanna talk or see me!
but I need you right now, more than she needs u!!!!
I have an appointment on wednesday at 2pm in**** ****!
could u accompany me?
I am scared of the ultraschall, sunday they didnt really get was
I was sayin-they did some blood tests only!
do u think u can be a friend for me too?
we dont need to talk, just be next to me in case I ll get bad news.
I have no energy for arguments or bad energy these days,
I am falling and there is nobody to catch me!
I apologize truly for all the mean things I said to u,
and ur hate for me is reasonable!
i love u”