30 October 2018

STORY of #DAFHAH

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Loveless entered my reality high on life, high on cocaine and with an insatiable desire to push all perceivable limits.  In a short time, I learned that Loveless was a heartbroken creative… and that he and Queen Luana would paint the entire world if they could.

I recall the Open Jam @ LazyMon on Sunday nights.  The community of music-lovers, partygoers and creative-misfits would swing thru just to see who or what may be happening on any given evening.  And on many nights, many of the most memorable nights had Che or Loveless stepping to the microphone for an impromptu share.  Jackson & Bryton were often there to drink, cheer, drunk-nap, drink and cheer again!  These 4 characters never allowed for a dull moment at the Open Jam’s on Sunday night.  And don’t let Kiko hit McDougal’s drumkit too hard… that would be another sideshow.

I didn’t have the patience then, that I do now, with the vast range and extremities of creatives – including myself. I would often be signaling for Jessy Chick to get Loveless off of the mic when he began to slur on the mic from whatever chemical imbalance was raging thru him.  She would laugh it off and say something like, “he won’t go too much longer. besides its Loveless. he’s happy right now.”

On any given night, when Loveless stepped to the mic, it could a drug-fueled, pain-infused, incoherent screaming rock ballad. Or he would share a blurb of words, occasionally forming introspective questions of his self-awareness that made us all think.

(Shrugs) On Sunday’s, you wouldn’t know what happened unless you were at Lazy Mon or unless Loveless got so fucked up and ridiculous that he was the talk of this small gossip-ridden community for the next 72 hours. (ranting run-on sentence, check)

Loveless and I had a unique dynamic that worked extremely well in small pockets of focused interaction.  On many occasions, I think we were both asked by people in our inner circles, “How on Earth do you two get along?!”

Yeah, at this point in time, the main thing we had in common was our interest, need and inherent passion to create and share our art, hearts and love from a place of peace.  And thru all of the other undesirable moments… what we had in common was always enough to keep us companions.

So yeah, how does Loveless become a part of D.A.F.H.A.H.

Without stating the obvious, he was always Drunk As Fuck, High As Hell.  Weed and Whiskey would frequently be within arm’s reach of the self-titled Happy Devil… and the blow was easily accessible, if not readily available.  If he wasn’t so fucking smart, witty and cool in most circumstances, he would have been more disliked.  He was amusing, random and light-hearted. ( nts: am I talking about Chris or Christiano?!)

When Loveless and I were alone, it was usually in Rocking J’s music studio (in the making).  It was at this time that Quincy, Rocking J & Loveless were really interested in having a place for Rock Stars to relax (at the hostel) and record (in the studio).

I recall this one-time when Loveless said:
“Christiano I don’t like being around you when I’m high.”
“Why is that?”
“Because it makes me uncomfortable.  You’re gonna expect me to be smarter and more coherent when basically I’m high all the time to not be that way.”

After he shared this, it became more evident, the truth of his words, as I recollect our times together.  Loveless was, more times than not, mentally-clear with me.  We often shared stories, talked about music, paintings and psychedelic possibilities.  Loveless practiced spoken word around me.  That was quite cool.

Most of our time shared was creation time. Loveless, Eric and Rocking J were around when Kashanna came in town to record “Born.”  I remember recording “Perfectly Me” with Danny, Aleks, Billy, Eric and Joseph in the studio.  After a few minutes at Todo es Posible singing to the stars, we went into a shipping container to record.

Basically, I killed his cocaine high.  And l enjoyed it because I rarely saw the raging Loveless as described by others (tourists and residents).  KEYWORD rarely, not to be confused with never.  He got shitballs high!

Memories: I remember Loveless strumming the guitar in attempt to get my attention, to say “Christiano, I Love You Brother”, all whist serenading the people eating dinner at El Pescador on the 2nd floor.  He was standing on the roof of Quincy’s wife’s SUV high on Ketamine with a bottle of Whiskey half gone.  All of this whilst blocking traffic for ½ Kilometer in both directions of Puerto Viejo.  And the entire time, I repeatedly asked that he go and record his song in the studio. (Note: I’m leaving out the fight, the whiskey bottle battle, the return of Loveless on the same night, Yukon Dave and Quincy.)

I recall one memorable occasion, when Loveless shared the reason for his seemingly erratic behavior. Why was he drunk on whiskey and beer? Why was he warped out on Cocaine, Ketamine and whatever else? What fueled his daily, seemingly self-degrading rants on social media?  What was the catalyst that influenced the version of Loveless currently in front of me?

And so he shared that he was doing it all with a (dark) purpose.

Loveless was in love.  And he was a wizard at his craft.  His elite corporate position was financially rewarding and highly demanding. There were long hours apart and distance not accounted for, between he and his wife.

He later found that the woman he loved, had begun a relationship with a close associate, and abruptly ended their union.  Loveless was devastated.  (this is the short and clean version of a very fucked up relationship revelation…and because I don’t want Loveless to chew my head off for messing up details, I won’t attempt to relay them.  He’s welcome to fill in the gaps or correct me where I am wrong.)

Here was a head-strong, heartbroken creative who just had his heart ripped out of his chest.  From there it was basically a tailspin that began (pilot reference because he’s a pilot) for several years.  He took his stocks & savings and proceeded forward with reckless abandon with any and all pursuits where whiskey, weed, cocaine and art thrived. (some embellishment here… or maybe not).

Loveless went further on to describe why he was so extroverted with his internal struggles and pains on social media.  It was his sharing of this detail that led to The Story of D.A.F.H.A.H.  It was after this share, that I could better understand, digest, and later relate to, his current disposition.

The reason Loveless engaged in such reckless public and private acts is because he felt that if he got so low, so broken, so outrageous, so ill and so loud… she would see him, see the effect that she had on him… realize that he is the one for her and return to him to live life happy together, once more.

My life was stuck in the basement
My soul needed a facelift
I had too much blow
I snorted ’til my face went numb
Hoping you would come save me
Best thing you did for me was leave
Best thing I did for you was mean
Best lesson learned
Truth; requires an arduous journey

And it is with a loose interpretation of Loveless’ story that I was inspired to write a song.
My 1st and to-date, only song written from another’s perspective in this manner.

This is a song about love, addiction, overcoming addiction and finding ones self.
Thank you Loveless for the time spent and lessons learned.
Hug from afar!


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D.A.F.H.A.H. // Christiano Can - F.A.N.S
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  1. D.A.F.H.A.H. // Christiano Can - F.A.N.S