Six days without sleep, countless hours of the boy in me crying & 2 weeks without my therapist has culminated in a calm that allows me to recollect events without any disappointment or rage.
Child Molestation has altered my life. From the ages of 4 to 11, I was mentally, physically and psychologically raped by women who had no barriers of access to my physical body.
From the baby-sitter, the teacher, the cousin, the family friends and counselors … 11 years of impressionable experiences were repressed from my conscious memory until now.
I can now see how the molestations created triggers that have effected my relationship with women in all but 4 relationships.
In an effort to break away the remnants and build a new trail that was mine, I ripped, killed, covered, lied about, hid and tried to erase much of what afflicted me.
I have carried my pain, covered my scars and buried them deep behind the locks of joys and successes. Because of so many internal conflicts and contradictions, I have hurt or hindered others in ways I can see more clearly now.
My most revealing music project was to be called CANDID. I was ready to share personal, private and unknown events. Even then, this project would not address the sexual abuse, mental molestation and the events leading to them. Everything has stopped because no voice is louder than the pre-puberty voice that hadn’t spoken until now.
Currently there is no music that silences my thoughts. For the 1st time, there is no quiet or safe place in my head. 11 years of intimate and intimidating experiences have filled in the gaps where I could once escape and be me.
My therapist is gone. My therapy is now to share. I will replay the moments that molded my psyche and played a prominent role in my interactions with others.
These are words that some males need to hear and perspectives that females must be made aware.
This is not forgiveness being sought. This is a part of me that never had the voice to speak. It’s time to break the locks and “Open Me Up.”